What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 01:36
We all went to grammer schools
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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I will be 64.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We were not on the streets..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She loved him until the end.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Can you tell me a depressing story?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why cant I ever fall asleep with my boyfriend?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So whats the point in blame.
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My family never makes their pension either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Was to survive, this bastard.
I write beautiful poetry .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He knew the spot.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My life is so biszare .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She found it foreign!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is soul school!.
Comes on , in middle age.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But it wasn’t much.
And i lived it daily.
When she asked me how she looked .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Who then, do I blame.?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She married twice! .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was very sick at this time too.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I think the readers, may guess!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Ive learnt so much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
All the time i was locked up.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So, i spoilt her more .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was seconnd youngest,
Would this be the day?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I waited trembling.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was 9 years of age.
I was scared of men, in general
Put me off passion for life!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I said to her
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I have no regrets .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im still living with it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot live in the past .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
It was going to be , some day.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I don,t even have a pension.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What did i know ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was in good health!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!